Close relationships can bring so much happiness and yet so much hurt. Relationship injuries resulting from infidelity needs repair otherwise the emotional bond between the couple will be sabotaged by resentment, retaliation and rejection for years to come. Repairing relationships may be a difficult process, but not impossible. When your loved one has engaged in infidelity, your world falls apart, you lose a sense of yourself in the process, suddenly the person you knew so well, seems like a stranger. Trust is lost, not only in the one you love, but your own judgement. Despair sets in.
But why? Why did they choose to do this! Infidelity is often, but not always a symptom of a relationship problem. Just like pain and fever can be symptoms of an appendicitis. The appendicitis is the problem and causes the symptoms. The same way as a problem in the couple’s relationship caused it to be vulnerable to infidelity, the symptom.
There are a range of reasons for a relationship to become vulnerable to infidelity. These include
- Physical and/or emotional unavailability of one spouse,
- Lack of self- esteem
- Lack of closeness
- Inappropriate role modelling from family of origin
- Outside influences.
Infidelity has been rated as the most serious hurtful event with long term effects on relationship (Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald 2015). A serious breakdown in trust leaves couples with intense negative feelings and thoughts. And the couple often wonder if they will ever see happiness again.
It’s true many couples do not make it through the crisis of an affair. But with small steps and hard work, happiness can return. This can be achieved when both partners are truly motivated to work through the relationship injury by listening to each other’s views and feelings, acknowledging hurt, being sincerely remorseful and by demonstrating that the relationship is valued.
To recover from a relationship injury such as infidelity, it is important to know what was going on in the relationship before this occurred. Shifting blame to your partner can be unproductive in the healing process. Retaliation and avoidance, whilst they are self-protective strategies, they can have long term negative consequences for the relationship.
Whatever the reasons for the infidelity, when positive constructive conversations happen between the partners and committed couples are prepared to listen to each other, to be calm, and tolerate discomfort for relationship growth, this places the couple closer to the position where intense hurt can change to a more intimate relationship and subsequent happiness. A skilled couple’s therapist can be of assistance to facilitate these conversations.
References
Kallos-Lilly, V. & Fitzgerald J. (2015). An emotionally focused workbook for couples: The two of us. Routledge: NY.
Snyder, D. K.; Baucom, D. H. Coop Gordon, K. (2007). Getting Past the Affair.